My Review: Dark Souls (Prepare To Die Edition)

I was told, going in to this, that this was one of the most hard core games available, and so I decided to play it in ultra-hard core mode.

So once I died fighting the first tutorial boss, I deleted it.

10/10 very hard.

My Review: Assassin's Creed

The Assassin's Creed is, apparently, Nothing Is True, Everything Is Permitted. Which is to say, it's not TRUE that the assassin's creed is Nothing Is True, Everything Is Permitted, because if it was true, then it wouldn't be. Likewise, it's possible to break the creed, which implies that the Everything that it Permits is a different sort of Everything than the garden variety one, or at least it would be if it were True that Everything Is Permitted, which it isn't.

I'm told that you have to read it a bit deeper than that, but since it's not TRUE that you have to read it a bit deeper than that, (and it's Permitted to not read it a bit deeper than that), I'm not inclined to.

Still, it's pro-freedom, and I'm allowed to be pro-freedom. 10/10.

My Review: Sanctuary RPG

So this is a game where you play a person who likes to pick choices out of lists. This is a very popular genre of game, or at least a subgenre: nearly every Bioware or Bethesda game contains the core mechanic of picking items from lists, but none of them have embraced it as thoroughly as Sanctuary RPG, which is a game where all you have is lists and choices. And some stats.

There's a story that, IMHO, only detracts from the list-picking gameplay. I hit it and I'm like, where are my lists? I was going to pick item #1, item #2, then item #3 twice, and instead I'm just hitting space and waiting for another list of choices to come up, so I can choose between them. Sure, the plot is thickening, but if I wanted plot I'd be picking out of a list from Netflix.

Still, if a game is a series of meaningful choices, this game has a lot of choices.

10*/10.

* I debated lowering it to 9/10 because my graphics card wasn't powerful enough to run it properly, but really, why should they get blamed for my mistakes?

My Review: Unplanned Hiatuses Broken With Meta Posts That Are Mostly Just Title:

10/10

My Review: The Fight Scene At The End of One Of The Daredevil Episodes

So, spoilers, Daredevil is a superhero. He solves his problems by punching. Punching, the occasional bit of kicking, some throwing, a few unnecessary flips, but then there was some more punching.

He's kinda Marvel's answer to Batman, except without the billionaire part or the playboy part or the being-able-to-see part. At least one of his parents died, but he didn't see it because of the being-able-to-see part. He's still motivated by guilt, and he's trying to clean up his city. But I'm not reviewing him.

He's also got a Netflix series, but I'm not reviewing that, either.

I'm just reviewing this one fight scene.

A single take, from the looks of it, that involves him beating up two rooms of mobsters, gasping for breath between fights, and is perhaps the greatest realisticish filmed fight scene since something Bruce Lee might have done. (Jackie Chan has great fight scenes, but they tend to rely on him being lucky and frantic. Bruce Lee was frugal. Daredevil was competent, which doesn't sound nearly as amazing as it was.)

If you've seen it? You know which fight scene I'm talking about. 10/10

My Review: Red Delicious Apples

As a child I assumed red delicious apples were the most delicious because it said so in their name and obviously truth in marketing wouldn't allow them to have a name that SAYS delicious if they weren't delicious. My brother preferred Granny Smith, which are actually delicious and I love eating them and I sometimes make them into pie, but also have the magic feature where they don't stop tasting good pretty much ever. You can put them in your fridge and six months later they'll still be good.

Red Delicious Apples, though ... don't have that magic feature. It's not that they rot, although they do and will, but there's a brief window -- very brief -- when they ARE delicious, and then after that they stop being and will never regain their goodness and -- and this is the worst part -- you can't tell by looking which stage they're in.

Still. During that brief moment, the all-too-brief, so elusive window of deliciousness? 10/10.

My Review: Burger Day

For no good reason, I was looking at a list of food days on wikipedia and, spoilers, I discovered that the US has like five days about burgers. Burger day, hamburger day, another burger day, cheeseburger day, ... they apparently love burgers, is where things were going there. Fortunately, while I am not American, I also love burgers. It's nice to have something in common with them. We'll have something to talk about at parties, and everyone knows the worst thing in the world is to have a party where no one has anything to talk about, and I can now be all "Hey, you're American. How do you feel about burgers?" and the party will be saved and I will undoubtedly be carried home in triumph on the shoulders of attractive people.

I also ate a burger yesterday, which was one of the burger days. The next one isn't for a week, so I'll have to wait before I have another. I might even try to follow the food days, unless I don't want to or forget.

So this review is kind of a twofer:

Burger Days: 10/10

The Burger I Ate: 10/10

My Review: The Ocean At The End Of The Lane

So, this is a book, and the story is about a boy who lives somewhere where there's an ocean at the end of the lane. And, spoilers, at some point he goes in the ocean. He pretty much has to, doesn't he? You can't just have an ocean sitting about down where people have to pull their three-point turns in order to turn their cars around, and not bother having anyone fall in it or be pushed in or whatever happens to them, or the book would have to be titled "Never Mind The Ocean At The End Of The Lane Because This Book Is About The Economy in Gary, Indiana" which on second thought I'd have bought before I finished reading the title so maybe that's a good idea too.

Still, there were kittens in it: 10/10.

My Review: Shadow of Mordor

So, spoilers, you play this guy whose wife and son are killed and he goes a bit crazy for revenge and starts thinking he can hear the voice of this dead elf that keeps telling him to kill everyone, but since he's in Mordor there's mostly just orcs around, but boy does he like killing them. Sneak up, stab, brand, chop head off, magic arrows to the face -- there's a lot of killing, is what I'm saying. It's a bit unbalanced, though, since they only killed TWO members of his family (and it wasn't even the orcs that did the killing!) and he kills like a million of them in response. I guess it's easy to get a bit carried away when you think a dead elf is telling you to kill everyone.

Whether you like the story depends a bit on whether you see it as the evolution and triumph of a hero (which is the main story of pretty much every game ever, and half of the movies), or as the corruption of a person giving up their humanity for power and revenge. Or if you really like killing orcs, and ESPECIALLY like it when they have names.

I've played the game through three times -- it's not very long -- and I'm not sure what that says about me as a person and my relationship with orcs and dead elves. Thankfully, I'm not reviewing me, I'm reviewing the game.

Shadow of Mordor: 10/10

My Review: You Have To Burn The Rope

Link

You Have To Burn The Rope is a short, fun game. You play this little guy who throws axes, and the big boss at the end is a grinning colosus. I couldn't figure out how to beat him, but it was a good fight. Fairly simple controls. The sound was a bit annoying at the start, so I muted it. Best decision ever.

If you're looking for a real challenging boss fight, I guess this is a game for you?

You Have To Burn The Rope: 10/10

My Review: Achievement Unlocked

Link

So, it's a game where you unlock achievements by doing random things, and there's a list of achievements on the side. It's apparently not supposed to be very fun (so we can learn how pointless achievements are), but it's still pretty fun? I had the same problem with their game that lets you upgrade things.

The title music is pretty catchy; the game music gets old, but you can mute it (Spoilers: Muting it will actually count as an achievement!) so that's cool.

Achievement Unlocked: 10/10.

My Review: Serious Objective Reviews

My Review of Serious Objective Reviews:

It seems to be a review site, but there aren't any reviews there yet. No about, no statement of purpose, just an empty blog. Probably set up earlier today, by taking a joke on twitter too far.

Still, it has a title, that's pretty good. It looks like everything is spelled correctly, and the first review (which was made while I was typing this) is pretty meta.

Serious Objective Reviews: 10/10.