My Review: Breath of the Wild

There has been a lot of call for me to review Breath of the Wild, by which I mean none whatsoever except a nagging feeling that I ought to be updating my review site, for the ones of people who care deeply about getting their reviews as Serious and Objective as possible.

So let me begin by giving the most disappointing piece of information: there are Gorons in this game.

No! Don't go away! It's okay! Sure, Gorons are the worst of all creation -- no one is arguing against that -- but you only spend a little time with them and part of that time is spent firing them out of cannons. I'm not saying that makes EVERYTHING better, but think of it as metaphor. You're REMOVING them from the CANNON except with just ONE N. The REMOVED N STANDS FOR NINTENDO.

I'm going to give you some blank lines to recover from your blown mind.


...



So the plot is that Ganon is back, only now he's a western Calamity Ganon, except he seems to be more of an evil ghost now, and there's hylian ruins everywhere because you apparently forgot to defeat him last time. Whoops! Anyway Link now has an iPod Touch that he uses to check in everywhere he goes, and everywhere he goes there are a bunch of shrines with ghost monks giving you their spirits, and you can pick up all the flowers in case you get hungry, and there's still more places to go and monks to outshrine and laser robots to be chased by.

So it's Zelda with a taste of Skyrim and those are two great tastes that go well together. 10/10.