Okay, so, this review will TRY to be spoiler free, but since I've actually seen the movie, I can't promise anything. The truth will out! I'll do my best, but I'm sure subconscious thoughts might sink in and come out at the worst possible times. So be wary!
A lot of people were scared about this movie before it came out, due to fears that it would murder their childhood. Now, personally my childhood was already murdered by clowns and country-rap fusion, so I didn't have much to fear but for those who somehow got through life with their childhood intact, I can see why they would be worried. But don't worry! It only murders your childhood a little, and only that if you are personally deeply opposed to seeing a ghost pilgrim fed into a woodchipper. Which, spoilers, doesn't happen. But it MIGHT have.
There are basically three problems with the film. One, it felt like it had been severely edited, and some plots were resolved that never started and others were started but never resolved. This wasn't a huge problem, but made for some odd moments where you were reaching the climax of a personal arc that hadn't really started? I'm sure that the Director's Cut edition will include a big argument scene that would have made certain story beats make much more sense, but the flow still works regardless.
Two, there was a fight scene that made me want to play the inevitable video game spinoff, but felt like they took some time off to make a commercial for the inevitable video game spinoff, which let me say again looks like it will be a pretty fun inevitable video game spinoff but I was there to watch a movie, not a commercial. (Unlike the Lego Movie, where I was there to watch a commercial but ended up watching an excellent movie instead, or the Ghostbusters video game, where I was there to play a game and then did.)
Three, sometimes the camera is not pointed at Holtzmann, and every moment the camera was not capturing Holtzmann was wasted. I realize it would make filming some of the scenes more difficult, but I've headcanoned it as her hiding behind furniture every time she's not visible, and it makes the movie at least 20% better.
Still, there were ghosts, and they were busted, and bustin' makes me feel good. Ten out of Snape kills Dumbledore.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
My Review: Pokemon Go
There is a genre of games that have come to be known as walking simulators, because the main verb in the game is 'walking' and then there aren't any other verbs. (Except 'looking' and the occasional 'opening'. Mostly there's no killing, which to many people is what games are all about. That and finding multiple objects that look the same and organizing them into a line. That's a surprising lot of games.)
Anyway, whenever there's a new genre of games people make new games for it until someone takes it too far, and arguably that's what happened when a walking simulator involves ACTUAL WALKING. That's right, this game expects me to get up and walk around. It even offers rewards for doing so, like breaking open eggs and being attacked by wild animals that want me to play ring-toss with them.
The company that makes RingTossWalk already made a game that was essentially the same game, named Ingress, where space energy was leaking into our world and only we could stop it/help it. There wasn't any ring toss in it, though, and that's all I played it before I switched back to RingTossWalk, because you can only play one at a time and if I miss twirling a pokestop, I won't have enough pokeballs to catch a ratatatatatata, which I can only assume was named by a machine gun.
Still, it's doubled Nintendo's worth, and more importantly there are no Gorons in it. 10/10.
Anyway, whenever there's a new genre of games people make new games for it until someone takes it too far, and arguably that's what happened when a walking simulator involves ACTUAL WALKING. That's right, this game expects me to get up and walk around. It even offers rewards for doing so, like breaking open eggs and being attacked by wild animals that want me to play ring-toss with them.
The company that makes RingTossWalk already made a game that was essentially the same game, named Ingress, where space energy was leaking into our world and only we could stop it/help it. There wasn't any ring toss in it, though, and that's all I played it before I switched back to RingTossWalk, because you can only play one at a time and if I miss twirling a pokestop, I won't have enough pokeballs to catch a ratatatatatata, which I can only assume was named by a machine gun.
Still, it's doubled Nintendo's worth, and more importantly there are no Gorons in it. 10/10.
Friday, July 8, 2016
My Review: Oracle of Ages and/or Seasons
I have spoken of Zelda before, and of Link who is the star of the games named after her, most of which she appears in at one point. Top-down adventury exploratory puzzle dungeons, and a lack of continuity that either annoys or inspires people who are really bothered by complicated, contradictory continuity. These games help that a lot.
At one point, shortly after Nintendo discovered color, they released two games -- Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages -- that tied together somehow and let you use passwords called "secrets" to pass information between the games. They could also be played in either order, which is where continuity gets messed up this time -- after all, which was played first? Obviously the one that lets you travel 400 years in the past, or however many years I wasn't paying attention -- will have been played first chronologically, but if we ignore the befuddling effects of time travel (which I never do, but just this once for you) the game FLOW can work whichever you play first, but a lot of events change based on the order. Two timelines, both of which are contradictory except for "Link beats some dungeons and then SPOILERS Ganon I know you never expected Ganon to show up in a Zelda game but HERE WE ARE I GUESS".
If I were to pick one weakness of the games, I would definitely go with the presence of Gorons. No one likes Gorons, Nintendo. You can stop obsessing over them. Go back to your pokemon.
Still, it has the overland theme and that's really all I need: 10/10.
At one point, shortly after Nintendo discovered color, they released two games -- Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages -- that tied together somehow and let you use passwords called "secrets" to pass information between the games. They could also be played in either order, which is where continuity gets messed up this time -- after all, which was played first? Obviously the one that lets you travel 400 years in the past, or however many years I wasn't paying attention -- will have been played first chronologically, but if we ignore the befuddling effects of time travel (which I never do, but just this once for you) the game FLOW can work whichever you play first, but a lot of events change based on the order. Two timelines, both of which are contradictory except for "Link beats some dungeons and then SPOILERS Ganon I know you never expected Ganon to show up in a Zelda game but HERE WE ARE I GUESS".
If I were to pick one weakness of the games, I would definitely go with the presence of Gorons. No one likes Gorons, Nintendo. You can stop obsessing over them. Go back to your pokemon.
Still, it has the overland theme and that's really all I need: 10/10.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
My Review: Calvin and Markov
First off, if you don't know what a Markov chain is, this won't make much sense to you. It'll still make some sense, I suppose, but it's mostly nonsense of a fancy, computery sort. Advanced nonsense. The Markov chain you're most likely to be familiar with is a phone's autocomplete guessing at what the next word you're going to type will be, and we all know how great THAT is.
Secondly, if you don't know what Calvin and Hobbes is, this will make even less sense to you than the poor fool who isn't hep to the latest stochastic models. Probably if you think they're John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes this will make slightly more sense than if you think they're Calvin Kline and his secret nickname for Lorraine Baines, but the point is that this doesn't work without some basic background in both statistics and comics of the late 80s/early 90s.
On the plus side, if you don't know who Calvin and Hobbes are you have some wonderful reading ahead of you and if you don't know what Markov chains are you have some math ahead of you, which I can only assume is your personal favourite pastime or you'd have just clicked on the link already to see the comics.
Anyway, some dude tried Markov chains with Calvin and Hobbes, and the results are ... well, see for yourself.
10/10.
Secondly, if you don't know what Calvin and Hobbes is, this will make even less sense to you than the poor fool who isn't hep to the latest stochastic models. Probably if you think they're John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes this will make slightly more sense than if you think they're Calvin Kline and his secret nickname for Lorraine Baines, but the point is that this doesn't work without some basic background in both statistics and comics of the late 80s/early 90s.
On the plus side, if you don't know who Calvin and Hobbes are you have some wonderful reading ahead of you and if you don't know what Markov chains are you have some math ahead of you, which I can only assume is your personal favourite pastime or you'd have just clicked on the link already to see the comics.
Anyway, some dude tried Markov chains with Calvin and Hobbes, and the results are ... well, see for yourself.
10/10.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
My Review: Bravely Default
Bravely Default is a game that needs no New Game+ mode. It is a new game plus mode all in itself.
It also came out a bunch of years ago, so I'm probably not spoiling anything. I might be. You get to brave and default in the game, which is probably where the title came from. I mostly braved, except sometimes I defaulted a bit first THEN braved. Sword, axe, spear, doesn't matter, as long as I default before braving, or don't default at all...
The game was apparently going to be a Final Fantasy game, which I guess means you were going to Final then Fantasy, or Fantasy then Final? The strategy would be more confusing there, not that brave/default are perfect terms. Still, I was apparently good at the game: by the time I finished Chapter 2, I had finished the town you rebuild because SPOILERS you rebuild a town and it lets you buy the penultimate gear if you have a lot of moneys, and by the time I finished Chapter 3, I had all the moneys. By the time I finished Chapter 4, I had all the jobs (except one you couldn't get until later) and by the time I finished Chapter 5, I had all the jobs maxed out. I now basically wander the world looking for bosses, then hit them with axes 11 times. (and then 8 more if necessary). I default first, though. My healer ambles around the battlefield looking for interesting flowers while we fight.
I'm only on Chapter 6 and there are probably two more chapters? But that's enough chapters, probably. I'm looking forward to finishing it, so I can obtain and play Bravely Second, which is either a sequel or a very strange coincidence of naming. My one fear of the ending is that the Spunky Rebel will end up romancing the Creepy Womanizer. She can totally do better, but the other two characters in the party have already been paired off. I fear it's inevitable.
Still, you get to brave AND default. 10/10.
It also came out a bunch of years ago, so I'm probably not spoiling anything. I might be. You get to brave and default in the game, which is probably where the title came from. I mostly braved, except sometimes I defaulted a bit first THEN braved. Sword, axe, spear, doesn't matter, as long as I default before braving, or don't default at all...
The game was apparently going to be a Final Fantasy game, which I guess means you were going to Final then Fantasy, or Fantasy then Final? The strategy would be more confusing there, not that brave/default are perfect terms. Still, I was apparently good at the game: by the time I finished Chapter 2, I had finished the town you rebuild because SPOILERS you rebuild a town and it lets you buy the penultimate gear if you have a lot of moneys, and by the time I finished Chapter 3, I had all the moneys. By the time I finished Chapter 4, I had all the jobs (except one you couldn't get until later) and by the time I finished Chapter 5, I had all the jobs maxed out. I now basically wander the world looking for bosses, then hit them with axes 11 times. (and then 8 more if necessary). I default first, though. My healer ambles around the battlefield looking for interesting flowers while we fight.
I'm only on Chapter 6 and there are probably two more chapters? But that's enough chapters, probably. I'm looking forward to finishing it, so I can obtain and play Bravely Second, which is either a sequel or a very strange coincidence of naming. My one fear of the ending is that the Spunky Rebel will end up romancing the Creepy Womanizer. She can totally do better, but the other two characters in the party have already been paired off. I fear it's inevitable.
Still, you get to brave AND default. 10/10.
Friday, May 6, 2016
My SPOILER FREE review: Captain America: Civil War
It's important when engaging with many forms of media to avoid spoilers, because knowing what's going to happen next makes everything bad. This is why no one has ever watched a movie they enjoyed twice. So now I present my new feature, a spoiler-free review!
To ensure it is completely free of spoilers, I have not yet watched the movie myself.
I believe it stars Captain America (Captain America's name is Steve. That's not a spoiler unless you haven't seen the first two Captain America movies or the Avengers movies or Agent Carter or probably it's mentioned in some of the other movies. So I guess it's a spoiler for those movies, but I'm not reviewing those movies so technically this review is still spoiler-free) and Iron Man (Tony Stark, and pretty much everyone knows that, both in universe and out), and they are somehow propelled back in time to the american civil war. They team up with Bucky, Underoos, and several other people based on the trailer, and they mostly fight each other, probably as a warm up drill. The story comes to a dramatic finish when Tony and Steve discover that both of their mothers were named Martha, and the resulting paradox enables them to travel back to the present just in time to stop Loki from stealing the infinity gauntlet.
Or something like that.
Still, there's fighting, probably. Everyone loves watching fighting. 10/10
To ensure it is completely free of spoilers, I have not yet watched the movie myself.
I believe it stars Captain America (Captain America's name is Steve. That's not a spoiler unless you haven't seen the first two Captain America movies or the Avengers movies or Agent Carter or probably it's mentioned in some of the other movies. So I guess it's a spoiler for those movies, but I'm not reviewing those movies so technically this review is still spoiler-free) and Iron Man (Tony Stark, and pretty much everyone knows that, both in universe and out), and they are somehow propelled back in time to the american civil war. They team up with Bucky, Underoos, and several other people based on the trailer, and they mostly fight each other, probably as a warm up drill. The story comes to a dramatic finish when Tony and Steve discover that both of their mothers were named Martha, and the resulting paradox enables them to travel back to the present just in time to stop Loki from stealing the infinity gauntlet.
Or something like that.
Still, there's fighting, probably. Everyone loves watching fighting. 10/10
Thursday, January 21, 2016
My Review: The Bacon I Had This Morning
Sunset Grill is not a place I would point to as the epitome of fine dining, but it can provide a good cheap breakfast and has a couple convenient locations, each of varying menu and quality. I went to one this morning and had pancakes, eggs and bacon.
The eggs were good, the pancakes were delicious. (which is generally a redundant statement, but I have had exceptions), but the bacon was AMAZING. Crisp, but not burnt, broke easily but each piece was incredibly delicious.
10/10 for the bacon.
The rest was good too.
The eggs were good, the pancakes were delicious. (which is generally a redundant statement, but I have had exceptions), but the bacon was AMAZING. Crisp, but not burnt, broke easily but each piece was incredibly delicious.
10/10 for the bacon.
The rest was good too.
My Review: Link Between Worlds
The Zelda series has always been odd when it comes to continuity; which is to say, when they started making the games there wasn't any continuity, and then they added in some continuity later, but it still contradicted some of the earlier stuff, so those took place on an alternate world and really the entire thing is confusing and convoluted.
Link Between Worlds is a sequel to Link To The Past, which contradicts the ending where the Master Sword slept forever, although arguably it might have slept through the whole being picked up and used to defeat Ganon another time. It's a sword, after all, and maybe if it woke up it could talk?
But the most important thing is, there weren't any Gorons. I don't know what the obsession with them has been in the other games, but they just don't do anything for me. Even when I have to fight them occasionally wearing really heavy boots that apparently don't weigh anything when they're in my backpack, which didn't happen in this game.
In conclusion, 10/10 would kill Ganon again.
Link Between Worlds is a sequel to Link To The Past, which contradicts the ending where the Master Sword slept forever, although arguably it might have slept through the whole being picked up and used to defeat Ganon another time. It's a sword, after all, and maybe if it woke up it could talk?
But the most important thing is, there weren't any Gorons. I don't know what the obsession with them has been in the other games, but they just don't do anything for me. Even when I have to fight them occasionally wearing really heavy boots that apparently don't weigh anything when they're in my backpack, which didn't happen in this game.
In conclusion, 10/10 would kill Ganon again.
My Review: a New Used New 3DS
It turns out that the 3D works by way of having alternate lines of pixels refracted into the viewers eyes and not, as I'd initially assumed, by dark magic or some sort of blood sacrifice. Although I did bump my hand hard enough that it bled today, so it could be that the blood sacrifice is part of it all along?
Anyways, it has at least three dimensions, and looks bigger on the inside, and we all know I'm a sucker for things that are bigger on the inside. 10/10
Anyways, it has at least three dimensions, and looks bigger on the inside, and we all know I'm a sucker for things that are bigger on the inside. 10/10
Friday, January 15, 2016
My Review: Neko Atsume
There is a popular genre of games that I've recently named Waiting Simulators; these are usually mobile games where the operative part of the game is waiting for something to happen; for your energy to recharge, for plants to grow, for Homer to finish building a bowling alley, et cetera, et cetera. In all of these games, you can spend actual real cash money to not have to wait, because the actual game is played by the developers and the game is called "will impatient people give us money?"
They totally will.
Especially for random packs of cards that might contain something useful but won't.
So I was not expecting much when I installed Neko Atsume, except I was expecting cats because I know that Neko means Cat in probably Japanese, and I assume Atsume means "waiting for". Because this is a game of putting out cat toys and waiting for cats to show up and then leave and hopefully leave presents. And you can take pictures of the cats and you can use the presents to buy MORE toys and ...
Cats!
Is this even really a game? I don't know, but sometimes Tubby the cat shows up and eats all the food I left out and leaves an extra-big gift. Which sounds like I'm talking about pooping, but actually I think it's sardines? Anyway, 10/10.
They totally will.
Especially for random packs of cards that might contain something useful but won't.
So I was not expecting much when I installed Neko Atsume, except I was expecting cats because I know that Neko means Cat in probably Japanese, and I assume Atsume means "waiting for". Because this is a game of putting out cat toys and waiting for cats to show up and then leave and hopefully leave presents. And you can take pictures of the cats and you can use the presents to buy MORE toys and ...
Cats!
Is this even really a game? I don't know, but sometimes Tubby the cat shows up and eats all the food I left out and leaves an extra-big gift. Which sounds like I'm talking about pooping, but actually I think it's sardines? Anyway, 10/10.
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